lost and stumbling

Anonymous asked: I wish i could remove parts of my brain so I could just forget some shit forver and move on. Idk, I just wanted to reach out to someone. I love you. <3

i love you, too, anon. i can’t tell you enough just how much i can sympathize with that feeling, whether the thing you want to get rid of is something of your own doing or it’s something that life or fate or a mistake or another person inflicted on you, i know how it feels to want part of your life to just stop dragging you down and poisoning your soul.

but i have another problem, too, almost the reverse, which gives me a little dual vantage point. i have, for the most part, a terrific semantic memory, that is, i can remember facts, ideas, concepts, things like that. but my episodic memory is conspicuously lacking; i know a whole lot of facts and metainformation, but i can’t very well remember events and situations i’ve previously experienced. i have only a very limited ability to recall things from my personal history, and i find it very difficult to ‘travel back in time’ or re-experience events in my memory.

if you take a moment to think about it, everything whatsoever that you know, about yourself or the world around you or even your own thoughts, is stored in your mind in the form of a memory. even reading this sentence requires you to store some form of a memory of the beginning of the sentence, so that you can understand why the sentence ends the way it does. our entire cognitive existence is for the most part a comparison of current circumstances relative to all of the memories we’ve amassed prior. so, we are our memories.

as individuals, what separates us from the collective experience of the rest of humanity is our specific, separate perception of the events, ideas, and thoughts we experience. our personalities, our concepts of self are defined completely by our perception and memory of perception of the world.

what this has meant for me, having slightly sub-par episodic memory function, is that time seems to pass by much more fluidly, and i find that while i dwell heavily on memories of emotions, ideas, and other intangibles, i simply can’t consciously recall much of anything that’s happened, event-wise, in my life. if prompted about an event, i often recognize something for which i have a memory, but it’s most often small conceptual hints of notable moments and a large amount of information about the circumstances surrounding the event. even my memories of a course of action, a series of events, seems more like a vague, nebulous idea of the thing rather than some sort of memory of the perceptual experience i initially had. only with continual nudges toward the bookmarks in my memory by someone else who knows what happened does my mind seem to open up the folders containing all of the relevant memories for easier access.

the deficiency isn’t so severe that i have any functional impairments preventing me from a normal* life, but it does consistently frustrate me as i try to remember things that have happened to me, memories for which i feel a sense of ownership, the defining events and my thoughts and actions, the chain of circumstances that led to me being me. not even taking into account the immeasurable portion of thought that occurs subconsciously, i simply feel like i don’t have ready access to the memories that make up my identity, the thoughts that “kyle” is built from. it’s very lonely, and confusing, and it jackknifes my anxiety as i try to make decisions based on an incomplete understanding of who i am and what i want in life.

if anything, i try to look at it not as a failing, but as a forced perception shift. the way my memory seems to work, because of my relatively weak episodic recall, i experience semantic memories with more of the depth and impact one might relate to recollection of firsthand experiences. given that and my empathic tendencies, it’s not very difficult at all for a story of someone else’s memory to trigger emotional and mental reactions in me, almost as if i were recalling a memory of my own firsthand experience. also, i have a strong belief that there is a collective human consciousness, accessible to each individual and with infinitely greater intelligence and cohesion, transcending a sort of ‘cloak’ made of human body matter and separate individual cognitive experiences, which we tidily explain as the ‘self’ and call “I”. it’s a pretty gnarly concept to try to manifest in thought, but i feel like my deficient episodic memory actually contributes to a perception of myself far less individualized and removed from the whole than it otherwise might have been. consider it a farfetched, endlessly pointless silver lining to hopefully at least make you smile or think about something distracting for a while.

(see, i’d almost forgotten why i was writing this post, but then i remembered i was trying to comfort you about your shitty feelings. i got stoned and started thinking about removing parts of brains and this is what came out. hope i didn’t put you to sleep!)

*though it was the most appropriate i could come up with in context, “normal” is, of course, a meaningless fucking word.

The Four Noble Truths

lostandstumbling:

1. Life means suffering.  
2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.  
4. There is a path to the cessation of suffering.

Read More

(Source: thebigview.com)

if it were a split-second decision, no, i don’t think i would. as challenging and frustrating as the last year has been, i’ve had too many profound and enriching experiences and cultivated some incredibly fulfilling relationships and even the mistakes (maybe especially the mistakes) have led me to more clarity and understanding than i could have ever hoped for.

i’ve fucked up. we have to. if we don’t fuck up we won’t find out what we were supposed to not do, so we can not do them later. or something. i don’t fucking know, the meta is fucking with my head.

(Source: a-world-without-color, via fetusmarie)

what kind of america are you okay with?

forget the perfect, gleaming and glorious utopian government that everyone seems to think they want. we’ll never even be as good as we say we are, even if we’re ruthlessly calling ourselves on our shit. forget anything we imagine we could ever hope to accomplish, and right now focus instead on what mistakes, what wrong moves and fouls we should permit ourselves to get away with; what is your margin of error for your government?

at what point would you say, ‘whoa, wait a second, that’s fucked up’ in response to something you saw on the news?

what would make you speak out against social injustices and human rights violations you’ve seen repeated consequence-free?

would you contact your senator to protest and demand redress if your rights as a citizen, if all the american government’s promises about due process and civil rights, were denied you by the police?

we as a nation do not act in accordance with the collective will of our individual citizens. the things our country does are so firmly against the gut desire of most americans that it seems like the United States has schizophrenia. we are a nation at odds with itself. and while no one citizen can be expected to singlehandedly mount an offensive against the government of the most overtly powerful country in the world, what is our responsibility? they don’t teach civics in school anymore. the average american hardly has a clue how our government is purported to run. the average individual’s personal responsibility as a citizen is an elusive, vague and murky concept.

what does it mean when the government, and the politicians who direct and have authority over it, can be bought? 

it means this generation of american citizens is unaware of its own government’s atrocities, and unprepared to prevent or even influence the deceptively quick corruption and destruction of every one of the united states of america’s few existing redeeming qualities.

"There are times when a feeling of expectancy comes to me, as if something is there, beneath the surface of my understanding, waiting for me to grasp it. It is the same tantalizing sensation when you can almost remember a name, but don’t quite reach it. I can feel it when I think of human beings, of the hints of evolution suggested by the removal of wisdom teeth, the narrowing of the jaw no longer needed to chew such roughage as it was accustomed to; the gradual disappearance of hair from the human body; the adjustment of the human eye to the fine print, the swift, colored motion of the twentieth century. The feeling comes, vague and nebulous, when I consider the prolonged adolescence of our species; the rites of birth, marriage and death; all the primitive, barbaric ceremonies streamlined to modern times. Almost, I think, the unreasoning, bestial purity was best. Oh, something is there, waiting for me. Perhaps someday the revelation will burst in upon me and I will see the other side of this monumental grotesque joke. And then I’ll laugh. And then I’ll know what life is."

Sylvia Plath (via thechocolatebrigade)

"All too often major discoveries are the unitended outcome of experiments or explorations aimed at achieving entirely different results."

House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski (via thechocolatebrigade)

The Four Noble Truths

1. Life means suffering.  
2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.  
4. There is a path to the cessation of suffering.

1. Life means suffering.  To live means to suffer, because the human nature is not perfect and neither is the world we live in. During our lifetime, we inevitably have to endure physical suffering such as pain, sickness, injury, tiredness, old age, and eventually death; and we have to endure psychological suffering like sadness, fear, frustration, disappointment, and depression. Although there are different degrees of suffering and there are also positive experiences in life that we perceive as the opposite of suffering, such as ease, comfort and happiness, life in its totality is imperfect and incomplete, because our world is subject to impermanence. This means we are never able to keep permanently what we strive for, and just as happy moments pass by, we ourselves and our loved ones will pass away one day, too.

2. The origin of suffering is attachment.  The origin of suffering is attachment to transient things and the ignorance thereof. Transient things do not only include the physical objects that surround us, but also ideas, and -in a greater sense- all objects of our perception. Ignorance is the lack of understanding of how our mind is attached to impermanent things. The reasons for suffering are desire, passion, ardour, pursuit of wealth and prestige, striving for fame and popularity, or in short: craving and clinging. Because the objects of our attachment are transient, their loss is inevitable, thus suffering will necessarily follow. Objects of attachment also include the idea of a “self” which is a delusion, because there is no abiding self. What we call “self” is just an imagined entity, and we are merely a part of the ceaseless becoming of the universe.

3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.  The cessation of suffering can be attained through nirodha. Nirodha means the unmaking of sensual craving and conceptual attachment. The third noble truth expresses the idea that suffering can be ended by attaining dispassion. Nirodha extinguishes all forms of clinging and attachment. This means that suffering can be overcome through human activity, simply by removing the cause of suffering. Attaining and perfecting dispassion is a process of many levels that ultimately results in the state of Nirvana. Nirvana means freedom from all worries, troubles, complexes, fabrications and ideas. Nirvana is not comprehensible for those who have not attained it.

4. The path to the cessation of suffering.  There is a path to the end of suffering - a gradual path of self-improvement, which is described more detailed in the Eightfold Path. It is the middle way between the two extremes of excessive self-indulgence (hedonism) and excessive self-mortification (asceticism); and it leads to the end of the cycle of rebirth. The latter quality discerns it from other paths which are merely “wandering on the wheel of becoming”, because these do not have a final object. The path to the end of suffering can extend over many lifetimes, throughout which every individual rebirth is subject to karmic conditioning. Craving, ignorance, delusions, and its effects will disappear gradually, as progress is made on the path.

(Source: thebigview.com)

(Source: steefaknee, via imanassspankme)

starrchild:

Do not let your ego, your fear or your insecurities speak through you. They aim to reduce you. Realize the divine light within you, and unveil it. Open your eyes and see that you are in a transformation. You are ever-lasting. You are infinite.

You cannot be defined by flesh, so why do you adorn it so? Let go of this ideology that you are not enough.. that you must find a job, a spouse, a lover, a friend. You must look this way, you must do this and you must take that, and then you will find happiness. Well, my friend, you can journey to all the far corners of the world and you will not find it until you can accept who you are in this moment and embrace the circumstances. 

You are a child of the stars. Remember this when you feel trapped or insignificant. A piece of you exists out there in the Universe, and it is reflected through the experiences you encounter here on Earth. Give your existence justice, and live up to the destiny that the galaxy has provided for you.

Once you die, and take your final breath here, you will never be able to see through these eyes again.

Remember.

When we feel the threat of being replaced in one of our roles, we usually strive to become the best player of that part. Our culture says—in the job-market as well as the love-market—that excellence is the best way to beat the competition. 

So we compete with the others within the accepted criteria: We try to be the best social companions for those we want to attract…the best cooks, best sex-partners, best providers, the most stimulating and interesting personalities—becoming the best at whatever popular women or men provide.

But becoming ‘better’ than others really means being the same. Excellence is a measure of conformity to an agreed cultural ideal. 

Jealousy is prevented not by excellence but by irreplaceability.

(Source: awkwardmumbling)

infinite learning process

All there is is lessons. This is one infinite school.

There is no other reason for anything to exist. Even inanimate matter learns that it is all an “Illusion.”

Each individual possesses all of creation within their minds.

Now, contemplate for a moment. Each soul is all powerful and can create or destroy all existence if know how. You and us and all others are interconnected by our mutual possession of all there is. You may create alternative universes if you wish and dwell within. You are all a duplicate of the universe within which you dwell.

Your mind represents all that exists. It is “fun” to see how much you can access. Challenges are fun. Where do you think the limit of your mind is?  

Q: (L) Well, I guess there is no limit.  
A: If there is no limit, then what is the difference between your own mind and everything else?  

Q: (L) Well, I guess there is no difference if all is ultimately one.  
A: Right. And when two things each have absolutely no limits, they are precisely the same thing.’ 

(Source: glossary.cassiopaea.com)

The Egg

by Andy Weir

You were on your way home when you died.

It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that’s when you met me.

“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”

“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.

“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”

“Yup,” I said.

“I… I died?”

“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.

You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”

“More or less,” I said.

“Are you god?” You asked.

“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”

“My kids… my wife,” you said.

“What about them?”

“Will they be all right?”

“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”

You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”

“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”

“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”

“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”

“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”

You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”

“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”

“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”

“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now .”

I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.

“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”

“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”

“Oh lots. Lots and lots. And into lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”

“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”

“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”

“Where you come from?” you said.

“Oh sure,” I explained, “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”

“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”

“So what’s the point of it all?”

“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”

“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.

I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”

“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”

“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”

“Just me? What about everyone else?”

“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”

You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”

“All you. Different incarnations of you.”

“Wait. I’m everyone!?”

“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.

“I’m every human being who ever lived?”

“Or who will ever live, yes.”

“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”

“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.

“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.

“And you’re the millions he killed.”

“I’m Jesus?”

“And you’re everyone who followed him.”

You fell silent.

“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”

You thought for a long time. “Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”

“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”

“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”

“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”

“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”

“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”

And I sent you on your way.

source

i am he and you are he and we are he and we are all together

lostandstumbling:

reincarnation? yes.

every human is every human is every human.

reliving life with only the vaguest notion of their previous experience.

some people read about past events and get homesick for another era. some people meet someone else and it feels like they are practically the same person. some people even seem to be aware of more than their own possible knowledge; things like precognition, telepathy, psychic abilities beyond simply reasoning and empathy.

every single human who has ever or will ever exist is the same person. you, him, us. we. me.

we are human.

we are the same.

muscles are built by being torn apart

something always rises from the ashes.

will you direct the growth?

or will you just accelerate the destruction and watch weeds grow up from it?

i’d benefit from a conscious effort to only use the pronoun ‘you’ in the context of a question.

only statements get i and we.

minimal use of they if at all possible.

and i in a question is what it’s all about, ain’t it?